UNCLE LUDWIG SPEAKS

Bert Goes Berzerk

2007-07-26T21:02:00.000-05:00

Osama introduces new recruit.

2007-07-26T15:56:00.000-05:00

Greetings to all. I have just returned to my blog after a long absence. I will be posting on a monthly basis starting in August. I look forward to writing a few new entries for your amusement and approval.

See you soon.

UNCLE LUDWIG

HOLA AMIGOS

2007-04-11T15:57:00.000-05:00

OK, SO IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I HAVE WRITTEN ANYTHING, LIFE HAS A WAY OF TAKING UP YOUR TIME AND AT THIS POINT I AM DEALING WITH THE IMMINENT DEATH OF MY FATHER.

I WILL COME BACK AND DEVOTE MORE TIME TO THIS BLOG IN THE NEAR FUTURE.

OK, I CONFESS

2007-02-10T14:31:00.000-06:00

CES'T MOI, SOY YO, IT'S ME!!

I AM THE FATHER OF ANNA NICOLE'S BABY.

It's like this, hmmm, lets see, well it was last January, I was in a bar in the Bahamas, I gotta admit I was sauced out of my noggin' on margaritas but not too drunk to "tango" if you know what I mean, all of a sudden this busty blonde sits next to me and starts to tell me all about her problems, one thing led to another and BINGO! I scored. Right before she split I asked her what her name was, she said "my name is Anna"...so you see, I AM the father, I have no doubts about this...I am calling my lawyer tomorrow.

Greetings

2007-02-06T07:03:00.000-06:00

I am here. I have not died. I will be posting soon.

SEXIEST WOMAN EVER?

2006-11-11T13:28:00.000-06:00

Do you think Bettie Page was the Sexiest woman of the 20th Century?

Cast your vote at: cnouel@sbcglobal.net

REPUBLICANS GET STOMPED LIKE OLD SOUR GRAPES

2006-11-11T13:15:00.000-06:00

REPUBLICANS GET STOMPED LIKE OLD SOUR GRAPES

Well, as I predicted last week, the LOSERS lost and the winners will probably end up acting like a bunch of LOSERS in a couple of years.

The best thing about the election results is that we finally sent Rummie packing. I hear he took the news of his "firing" quite well, apparently he gets a retirement package worth a few million bucks plus the ability to become a high paid lobbyist for the Armored Vest Manufacturers Association of America.

President Bush reportedly has tattooed the words "I Love Nancy" on his ass, his left butt cheek to be exact.

Twas The Night Before The Election

2006-11-06T20:15:00.000-06:00

Greetings Nephews and Nieces. Well tomorrow is the big day, election day. Now how many of you are going to go vote? How many of you are going to go home after work and sit your fat butts in front of the "Tube" and waste another perfectly good evening watching that crap that passes for quality entertainment.

I encourage all of you to go fulfill your duty and exercise your right to vote, God knows many have died to preserve your freedom to do so, your failure to vote may condemn others to go have their young lives taken in that Quagmire we know as IRAQ.

UNCLE LUDWIG

SADDAM TO BE HANGED FOR CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY

2006-11-05T08:37:00.000-06:00

JUSTICE AT HAND

Loudly proclaiming "Allah is great" Saddam Hussein stood in court today and learned of his fate. Three years after being deposed the former dictator, looking and sounding disdainful, listened to the chief Judge in a Baghdad court room as a sentence of "death by hanging" was read to a packed court room. If anyone expected Saddam to be contrite or to express any remorse for his criminal deeds, they were in for a big let down, Saddam, now an old and powerless man, resorted the old ploy of proclaiming a new found faith in God and expressing a total lack of respect for the judicial proceedings that held him responsible for the death of his fellow Iraqis.

In developments that do not forebode well for the future of Iraq, Shia neighborhoods saw people dancing in the streets in celebration, however in Sunni areas his supporters threatened revenge and blamed the death verdict on America.

An automatic appeal and review will most likely delay Sadam's execution until sometime in the spring of 2007.

As reported from our Bagdad bureau by Wally Cleaver, Dagwood Bumstead and C.C. Nouel

A Haggard Haggart Soon To Be As Good As New

2006-11-04T15:05:00.000-06:00

NEWS FLASH !

The Rev.(really)The Rev. Ted Haggart admitted to a back rub and buying amphetamines from male prostitute. "I had a sore back and needed additional energy for a sermonthalon I was going to participate in" stated a haggard looking Haggart. Haggart faced a shocked flock in his Colorado Springs Mega-Church Friday night and admitted to a slight indiscretion, he also stated that he saw Elvis at the local mall the night before.

Haggart has been put on leave (with pay of course) from his job as President of the largest evangelical group in the USA. He will be entering a rehab center in California and hopes that with therapy he can be"as good as new" in thirty days or less"

Reported by Lalo LaLoon, Fernando "el chorreado" Martinez and C.C. Nouel.

I AM BACK FROM A LONG SLEEP

2006-11-04T09:11:00.000-06:00

Hello Nephews and nieces, well I am back after a long and well deserved nap, okay so my nap lasted almost nine months, so call me sleeping beauty then! But at least I am back in time for the elections. My prediction? 1) There will be winners. 2) There will be losers. The losers will be the losers that have screwed us all up the last 12 years and you know who they are. The winners then will act like losers and then the losers will become winners in about 12 years. Ah, the wonderful world of politics.

HEAD LINES FROM LATIN AMERICA

HUGO CHAVEZ GETS A VASECTOMY.

At least now Venezuela won't worry about spawning a Hugo jr. from the major screwing it's getting from "El Comandante"

EVO MORALES ADMITS TO HAVING SOME SPANISH BLOOD.

President Morales will enter psychological rehab facility in Havana in order to deal with the awful truth of his ancestry.

LULA OF BRAZIL HAS A LULU OF A VICTORY PARTY, CELEBRATION'S THEME: A HAWAIAN LUAU, THUS: LULA'S LULU LUAU.

The Brazilian President nearly chokes on Poi, quick action by the a Brazilian Carnival queen saves his life, or at least that is the story we were told when a photo of Lula and and unknown woman in a "lip lock" was released to the press by opposition party member Joao Gilberto Y Barbo.

HAITI TO SEND MAJOR MONETARY ASSISTANCE TO SIERRA LEONE.

A check for $ 250.00 given to ambassador Ukulele by Haitian Foreing Ministry representative Jean Luc Picard.

COMING SOON:FAVORITE CHILI RECIPES FROM DONALD RUMSFELD, WHO IS EXPECTED TO RETIRE VERY SOON. PLUS BARBRA STREISAND'S BOOK OF CONSERVATIVE WISDOM AND HOLIDAY GIFT SUGGESTIONS FROM FORMER CONGRESSMAN MARK FOLEY; "WHAT TO GET THE YOUNG MAN IN YOUR LIFE"

2006-03-30T15:02:00.000-06:00

Ninety year old woman found frozen in Iceland, she is thawed out by local fisherman and comes back to life.

Nervo Njarvikki, Icelandic fisherman, stated he plans to marry woman as soon as her ass thaws out a bit, " right now she's just to darn cold" states a happy Mr. Njarvikk .

National Geographic photographer Pedro Martinez Gonzalez took first picture of woman whose name is not yet know, as she finally arose from her 70 year old sleep

Free stuff

2005-11-06T10:48:00.000-06:00

http://ipods.freepay.com/?r=24708266

PICTURE OF THE WEEK

2005-11-06T09:15:00.000-06:00

Bettie Page declared "PIN UP QUEEN" of the millenium beating out such notables as Queen Victoria, Mother Teresa, Marie Antoinette,Anne Coulter, Madonna and Hillary Clinton.

Here are the voting results:

Bettie Page ... 3,450 000. votes
Queen Victoria ...3 votes
Mother Teresa ... 0 votes
Marie Antoinette ... 1045 votes
Anne Coulter ... 23 votes
Maddona ...352 votes
Hillary Clinton ...1 vote

NEXT: HUNK OF THE MILLENIUM.

Send in the name your favorite Hunk. (No Republicans or Presbyterians please.)

PICTURE OF THE WEEK

2005-10-27T19:12:00.000-05:00

TRUTH FINALLY REVEALED, PRESIDENT BUSH HAS A SECRET TWIN SISTER IN OMAHA!

Halloween greetings from your favorite Uncle

2005-10-27T19:02:00.000-05:00

KISS MY PUMKINS!

PICTURE OF THE WEEK

2005-07-28T19:41:00.000-05:00

ANOTHER PHOTOGRAPHIC MASTERPIECE FROM YOUR UNCLE LUDWIG

In order to save precious dollars, Secretary of Defense Ronald Dumbsfeld has ordered American troops transported to and from all military bases, here and abroad, by motorcycle. It is estimated that the Armed forces will save hundreds if not thousands of dollars by no longer using the very heavy and armored Humvees. Manufacturing of the motorcycles has been awarded to Halliburton's newly formed Motorbike Division. Each motorcycle will carry at least a dozen well armed soldiers and will cost the tax payers $500,000.00 each (Tires and breaks are optional of course) This new military two wheel vehicle will be affectionatelly known as the "Patton-Cycle" in honor of the legendary WWII General who got killed in 1945 riding a motorcycle.

Reported by C.C. Nouel in Brownsville, Texas and Ludwig Van Volkswagen somewhere in Curacao (taking Papiamento lessons)

India and Pakistan threaten war

2005-07-26T12:39:00.000-05:00

India hints at war with Pakistan over Kashmir: Part 17

San Francisco peaceniks threaten campaign of whining and may burn US flag
by Pancho Tchaivkovsky and C.C. Nouel in Brownsville, Texas

The Indian defence minister has joined the Pre-emptive Strike Male Voice Choir who will sing next month at a Taj Mahal-staged benefit to raise funds to exterminate those "damned Pakistani devils", we can reveal.

AP sources further confirm that the prime minister will be the featured soloist and will sing a Hindi version of "You always hurt the one you love".

Defence Minister George "Curry Powder" Fernandes, currently inspecting Indian troops in Jodhpur, reiterated Indian warnings that Pakistan was a prime case for pre-emptive nuclear and bio-chemical strikes, and "if that fails we will make them listen to Ravi Shankar for the rest of their lives".

"There are plenty of reasons to launch such strikes against Pakistan, but I cannot make public statements on what action may be taken," Fernandes told a meeting of the Lion's Club in this northern Indian desert city, known for its casinos and dancing elephants on Friday. He did add that "Pakistanis talk weird and marry their cousins and we will not put up with such nonsense."

The renewed warning came just minutes after US secretary of state Condoleeza Rice said Washington would strive to have these two nuclear enemies Pakistan and India "kiss and make up". Their three wars since 1947 and millions are still missing is immaterial since the population of both countries — and therefore their combined lucrative export markets — are "swelling quicker than a Viagra user's cock" he added.

Fernandes rejected Pakistani allegations that India had breached United Nations Security Council resolutions from 1948 to 1958 which call for a plebiscite among Kashmiris to decide between Coke and Pepsi as the official pop soda of Kashmir. "Pakistan has a habit of lying and the issue of Coke vs Pepsi is a serious issue," Fernandes grimaced.

India also accuses Pakistan of clothing "pretty faced" Muslim militants in women's dresses. Islamabad denies the charge but says it offers moral and emotional support to what it describes as the Kashmiri cross-dressers' legitimate struggle for self-expression.

According to Pakistani sources around 38,000 people have been declared missing in action in Kashmir, India's only Muslim-majority state, since the launch of the 1989 armed insurgency by cross-dressing, lipstick wearing guerrillas in the Himalayan territory. However "over 25 million have been born so there are plenty more where that came from," stated the minister of population control, Mahatma M Pottent.

Pakistan and India both claim the scenic region, which is divided between them by a ceasefire line known affectionately as the "cross the line and you die you infidel pig". Pakistan currently controls the northern part and India the south.

PICTURE OF THE WEEK

2005-07-21T12:06:00.000-05:00

This week's photographic "gem" ...enjoy

PROTECT YOUR PRIVATES

2005-07-21T11:53:00.000-05:00

Tight Neckties A Health Hazard Report Medical Experts

Loosen up or pay the price

by Dan D. Lyon M.D. and Ludwig Van Volkswagen TGIF. in Brownsville, Texas

Men should think twice about how tight they wear a necktie because it could increase their chances of developing "Bigballs Syndrome", a generic term for a group of serious testicular diseases.

At least, that's what research published in the Ugandan Journal of Urology on Thursday claims — that a tight necktie raises blood pressure in your balls, which in turn can lead to damage to the scrotum and loss of of a social life, "If you know what I mean" said Dr. Umumbu Bongolongo, Director of the famed Lucille Ball Institute of Africa.

"A tight necktie increases ITP (intratesticular pressure) in both normal subjects and hypochondriacal patients and could affect the diagnosis and management of Bigballs Syndrome," said Dr Marcus Pohlow of the New York Dick B Nutt Clinic in the United States.

Pohlow and his colleagues tested ITP of 37 healthy men and 20 who suffered from "Bigballs" while they were wearing an open-neck shirt, before putting on a tight necktie and three minutes after loosening it.

Their results showed that 60 per cent of the men with ITP and 80 per cent of the healthy volunteers had an increased testicular pressure after wearing a tight necktie. 22 of them were seeing jumping around like maniacs and yelling obscenities, this strange behavior finally abated only after their ties were loosened.

In addition to raising the risk of big sore nuts, wearing a tight necktie during an testicular examination could lead to an invitation to the annual fundraiser for the American Association for Testicular Medicine, an event that's been described by many as a "pain in the cojones".

The risk of Bigballs Syndrome, which affects about three million men, and about 250,000 hermaphrodites in the United States alone, increases with elevated socio-economic status and affects a large number of insurance salesman, politicians and TV. evangelists.

Sperm Can Be Frozen Or Made Into Candy

2005-07-19T20:20:00.000-05:00

Fully-grown male born from 21-year-old sperm
Triumph of IVF and prolonged sexual intercourse
by Ludwig Van Wolkswagen in Brownsville, Texas

A fully-grown male born from 21-year-old sperm is reported to be suffering from hypothermia, we can reveal.

Conception occurred after four attempts at IVF and a long night of orgiastic sex, and doctors at St Bernabe's Hospital in Kanuck Alaska, where the 150 lb. man was born two years ago, said the age of the sperm might make it a world record.

The boy's father had his testicles thus his sperm frozen when he was 25 before undergoing treatment for testicular inflamation (Big Balls Syndrome) caused by wearing tight neck ties, which made him infertile.

Doctors said the case showed that freezing testicles and sperm was safe and worthwhile, and it prevented the sperm (and the testes) from getting wrikles and gray hair. Meanwhile in New York City, Tony Leaky, distant relative of paleonthologist Louis Leaky, added that he is "in the hunt" for frozen Neanderthal sperm in northern France and hopes to be able to impregnate a Carmelite nun no later that the year 2006, when pressed for details Mr. Leaky passed gas and vanished into a local delicatessen shop.

Details of the case were published in the journal Human Weird Reproduction in an article written by Dr. Otto Von Womitt.

The man's sperm was frozen until he got clear on whether he liked men or women and wanted to actually find a mate and start a family.

The man's penis, testicles and the sperm were thawed and then inserted into his partner's eggs. The baby was conceived after their fourth attempt at IVFand after a 24 hour fuckathon at the local Holiday Inn, "I know the sex had nothing to do with the pregnancy, but what the hell, I wanted to get laid anyway" said the proud father, an American Eskimo by the name of Kaluk Neenok Jr.

Safe procedure
"This case report provides evidence that long-term freezing can successfully preserve sperm quality and fertility," said Juan Valdes, a senior embryologist and coffee plantation owner at the hospital.

"This is important to know because semen stored by young Big Balls Syndrome patients is undertaken at a time of great emotional stress and pain in the scrotum, when future fertility is unlikely to be an immediate priority, in fact, when having sex is low on the totem pole, if you know what I mean."

The doctors said it was probably a world record.

"We believe this is the longest period of sperm cryopreservation resulting in a live birth so far reported in the scientific literature," said Dr Elizabeth Pithss, a consultant in reproductive herbal voodoo at the hospital.

However, she said new limits on the number of free frozen spermatozoa treatments would have meant that the couple would not have been able to have their "baby" actually a fully grown chap named Geoffrey, and that would mean many unhappy gynecologists.

Dr Vignio Button, a consultant embryologist at Ringo Starr College Hospital in London, welcomed the news.

"Certainly for people who have had their sperm frozen very young because of having to have Big Balls Syndrome treatment this is obviously very welcome news.

"However, it is not hugely surprising. From animal studies the only damage it seems that could occur to frozen sperm is through background radiation, so we avoid placing the samples anywhere near a nuclear reactor or near Chernobyl in Russia."

But she added: "It is important because we can feel reassured that it's not going to be a problem and it gives hope to young people who may want to have children a long time after their Big Balls Syndrome treatment."

Under current regulations, frozen sperm can be stored until a man is 95 or cannot longer maintain an erection, whichever comes first.

In a new development, Dr. Von Womitt revealed today that he is working on a procedure that can turn human sperm into candy thus allowing for a "sweet" way in which to get a woman pregnant.

World's First Tongue Transplant a Resounding Success

2005-07-18T18:21:00.000-05:00

World's First Tongue Transplant Patient Doing Well
Wife ecstatic at prospect of a different kind of tongue-lashing

By Lasdilav Bromoseltzer, Ludwig Van Volkswagen and C.C. Nouel all in Brownsville Texas, waiting for the Hurricane.

Doctors who have performed what they claim is the world's first successful tongue transplant, say the patient's wife is ecstatic and looks forward to some "fun" in the near future in the form of a different kind of "tongue lashing" to that normally meted out by her husband.

The team of doctors from New York's First Scientology Hospital held a press conference Monday morning to give further details of the groundbreaking operation, which took place on Saturday. They said the patient is alive and doing better than had been anticipated. "We thought he was a gonner for sure," stated Hospital Administrator Konrad Tiddlywinks Jr., "This operation has never been performed in the past and was done without our approval, I was ready to call our attorneys in preparation for a big law suit but I guess everything is ok now," he stated to a group of curious onlookers and a reporter from the National Enquirer.

According to medical staff, blood appears to be circulating normally in the patient's new tongue and there has been no sign of him rejecting the organ. There is, however, the possibility that the organ will reject the patient, specially after it finds out just what a jerk this asshole has been.

The 52-year-old man, a former member of the Texas House of Representatives, who has not been named, had been suffering from "foot in mouth" disease and had insulted his mother in-law by calling her blubber butt, he also insulted just about everyone in his hometown of Toad Suck Texas, Rick Perry the Governor of Texas and had called President Bush "your royal dumbass" at a reception at the White House last March.

This meant that his tongue had to be removed. Surgeons spent nearly 14 hours removing the offending organ and attaching a new tongue, which was donated by the family of a Franciscan monk who passed away from sheer boredom at a monastery in Northern California last week.

Dr Nardo W. Zumbido, who lead the operating team, said he hoped that with his new tongue the patient would be able to talk and eat as normal, but that he would be physically incapable of "shooting his trap off" in future. The latter will not be confirmed until the patient utters his first words under the guidance of his new tongue.

Dr. Zumbido added that he hoped the operation would become an everyday procedure over the next few years and that further insensitive and stupid people could have tongue transplants. "We are particularly thrilled at the thought of Democrats, Republicans and Tele-evangelists undergoing this procedure," stated a visibly excited Dr.Zumbido during an early morning interview on "Good Morning Toad Suck"

UNCLE'S JOKES

2005-07-17T09:27:00.000-05:00

THE "HARDEE HAR HAR" GAZETTE
Vol. 1, Number 1

UNCLE LUDWIG PRESENTS: JOKES FROM HERE, THERE AND EVERYWHERE.

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group
picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or
'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's
the teacher, ...she's dead."

A woman picked up a few items in the supermarket, then headed
for the express line. The clerk had his back turned to her, so
she said, "Excuse me young man, I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out,
please?" The clerk turned around, looked her up and down and said, "Nice tits lady."

The increased use of Viagra by seniors created a demand for a
sexual lubricant to address the special needs of that age
group. The makers of K-Y jelly have developed a new lubricant
called Oil of Old Lay.

Q: What separates five female nymphomaniacs from two alcoholics?

A: A cockpit door.

The young American blonde on her first trip to Paris decided to
test the French male's fabled lovemaking expertise. That night
she asked her date what he intended to do with her.

"First," he replied, "I will remove ze dress. Zen I will carry
you to ze bed. And zen," he added with an air of triumph, "I
will kiss ze navel."

"I'm supposed to get excited about that?" the blonde said.
"I've had my navel kissed hundreds of times."

"Ahh, but of course you have," shrugged the Frenchman, "but
from ze inside?"

DISCLAIMER:

The Hardee Har Har Gazette is not responsible for any injuries that may result from laughing your ass off. Uncle Ludwig Publications and it's employees do not condone extreme forms of humor, we are moderate humorists, drink Postum at breakfast and spinach quiche as often as possible. Our comedy writers have signed an agreement in wich they agree not to have sex more than two times a week and only with partners they have known for more than 24 hours. We encourage all our employees to read at least 25 words a week. All our writers know at least one Republican personally. Mexicans are allowed in our Corporate headquarters.

Photos and illustrations by Mondoleeza Rice-Aroni

GOOD MORNING HINTS FROM UNCLE LUDWIG

2005-07-15T10:55:00.000-05:00

GOOD MORNING HINTS FROM UNCLE LUDWIG ...SORRY HELOISE

1)If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2)Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting some other dumbass to hold them while you chop away.

3)Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply taking a leak in the shower.

4)For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for about 15 minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5)Some dog poop, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6)If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7)Have a bad toothache? Smash your testicles with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life
really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape (anonymous).

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them really well.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom (see hint number 6).

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance to act like an asshole today.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends, you never Know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

PICTURE OF THE WEEK

2005-07-12T08:35:00.000-05:00

OH WAITER! MY ONION RINGS TASTE LIKE RUBBER

SO YOU HAVE THE MONDAY BLAHS!

2005-07-11T12:41:00.000-05:00

It's Monday (again) You called in sick at work (again) You did not get laid this past weekend (again).LUDWIG VAN VOLKSWAGEN MD. PhD, TGIF, ASPCA has the answer for what ails you.

"FUKITOL" It's non-addictive, no nasty side effects, safe and 100% effective (not recommended for use by Bankers, Lawyers, Doctors, Presbyterians and Air-traffic Controlers)

Instructions on how to take "FUKITOL"

Pour yourself a tall glass of Gin, Vodka, Rhum, or whatever you like (no Tequila please, it may cause nasty, ugly hallucinations ... but if you don't mind hallucinations who am I to tell you what to drink) pop two "FUKITOLS" into your mouth and down the entire content of the glass in ten seconds or less. Dr.Van Volkswagen guarantees you that in about 15 to thirty minutes you will not give a shit about nothing, a large meteorite could be headed on a collision with earth and you will just continue to listen to your Guy Lombardo records.

FUKITOL Helping folks just like you and me not to give shit about "nuthin'" since 1968

WARNING: The use of FUKITOL may lead to irreversible damage to your social and professional life. In a few isolated instances it has led normal, intelligent people to start listening to Rush Limbaugh and/or Al Franken.

It may cause Diahrrea, Flatulence and uncontrolable political rants.

Americans Demand Media Morality and Less Beer

2005-07-10T12:10:00.000-05:00

Hollywood under mounting pressure to become moral
Wave goodbye to the Sharon Stone up-skirt money shots

Beer ads. considered a "risk factor" for illicit sex. To be banned by Bush Administration.

by Ali Babba in Baghdad, Uncle Ludwig Van Wolksvagen in Sipid, Wyoming and C.C. Nouel in Brownsville, Texas

Hollywood is having a "shit-fit" as public and political pressure for less sex and nudity prompts a shift away from the "horizontal Lambada" and towards more traditional cinematic values.

Squeaking mattresses and moaning and groaning, large busted, voluptuous starlets are being faded out as film directors examine their consciences amid calls for a return to good old-fashioned all-American blood and guts.

Six years ago, 75 per cent of all new releases were ranked "R" by film censors in the United States because of their steamy and horny sexual content. But last year, there were just 18 — and in the past 12 months there have been only eight films where people actually "do the dirty".

Hollywood's diminishing appetite for sex is largely attributed to the influence of a more socially conservative government under president George "Goodie-two-shoes" Bush and his attorney general, Alberto "QUE!!" Gonzalez. Gonzalez is an honorary member of the Baptist church (Southern Conference of course), the Boy Scouts,the American Association for Good White People, the Club of Former Hispanics and is noted for his moral rantings on the Morality of Torture on Fox News.

Paul Verhoeven, the director whose masterpiece of suspense, "Basic Instinct" is celebrated more for the risque´ Sharon Stone puddy (as in "I tawt I taw a puddy tat") shot scene than for the quality of its script and acting, told Cosmopolitan magazine: "The government is bringing pressure to bear on the US film industry, so expect less nudity and more Indians being shot dead by cowboys, blacks being hung by pissed-off white guys, and bitchy broads being slapped around by tough detective types."

Hollywood is finding that classic passion à la Sleepless in Seattle sells, whereas explicit love scenes, like those played by Wanda Starr and George Hung in the porno classic "A White House Intern's Story", are a definite turn-off.

There is also a notable shift in values among the film and television industry's leading men who are adopting a more demure approach as they get older and either cannot any longer get it up or whose ass is so big and wrinkled that their films could only be viewed in a " 3D Cinemascope" format. Likewise, leading ladies are turning their backs on the full frontal, tired of "faking it" for the cameras. As one well-known actress sighed: "I fake it enough at home with hubby, I just don't feel like faking it at work too."

The Nice and Clean Parents Television Council, a non-partisan watchdog group, claimed in a survey released last month that the mounting pressure on Hollywood is having a knock-on effect on the small screen. It found that the major US television networks' programming demonstrated a 84 per cent decrease in sexual content over the last four years, while dramatised decapitations, high-velocity bullet impacts, Car bomb explosions and the use of semi-automatic weapons on crowds of innocent bystanders were up an encouraging 54 per cent.

Finally, President Bush and and the Rev. Leroy Jones of the First Church of Give Me Cash For Jesus, have announced a plan to eliminate beer ads from all American media as well as to prohibit foreign aid to countries that sell the evil suds. It is reported the the Coors family is outsourcing all its beer making facilities to Bolivia. Budweiser and Miller Breweries have already moved their operations to North Korea and are making huge profits in a thriving beer market in the USA.

Call your representative and demand less sex and the banning of beer commercials and more blood and guts in American media. Its The American Way!

SUNDAY FOON TYMES

2005-07-10T10:01:00.000-05:00

FOON TYMES

This Sunday's Foon Tymes may contain nuts, so be careful if you are allergic to goobers.

TODAY'S "SLAP YOU FOREHEAD IN AMAZEMENT" NEWS:

Members of the "Conservative, Christian, Republican, White, Wealthy and Never Wrong" Association (aka "The CCRWWNWA") of Chattanooga Tennessee demand that dancing be eliminated from school curricula. Club President Starlett O'Haha stated to reporter filled room that " It's all a Liberal plot to destroy our precious family values and turn America into a cesspool of sex and drugs". In Hollywood actor Tom Cruise offers Scientology as the ONLY alternative to the current moral decay in this country, Pope Benedict threatens to excommunicate him, Mr. Cruise exclaims, "I don't don't give a shit, I am taking Paxil, nothing bothers me"

Senator Ted Kennedy reveals he really loves Broccoli (Italian porno star Gina Sofia Broccoli)

New Planet Discovered by Astronomers from Venezuela's Hugo Chavez Institute for Astronomical Studies and Political Fairness, it rotates around a mediun size star at the edge of the Milky way, in a system with nine planets, it appears to have an atmosphere and water and may support life...wait a freaking minute! that's OUR planet...never mind.

New weight loss product that also grows hair, cures frigidity and impotence and gets rid of gas to be sold exclusively on the internet (send $49.95 to Uncle Ludwig's Goofy Enterprises c/o this email address)...and if you believe this you belong in a home for the silly.

The latest CD by Eminem reviewed: "Eminen sings Mormom Tabernacle Favorites - remix)

We do welcome your comments. Write your uncle Ludwig c/o cnouel@sbcglobal.net NO PROFANITY, FOREIGN LANGUAGES, BRAILLE OR RELIGIOUS RANTINGS PLEASE.

A BIGthanks to my able research assistants for their help in bringing to you our magnificent, fantastic, colossal Sunday feature.

SOOO, without further adoo; Moochas gracias to: Able Wobble, Waldo J. Wackitnow, Mathilda Khunt, Pedro "El Chupon" Gonzalez, Viola "Vi" Ahgra, Mahatma Schiekelgrubber, Babaloo LaLoon, Rhonda "Bazooms" LaGrande, Dr. Patch Adams (as played by Robin Williams), Igor "Da brain" Krsztkz, Comrade Chew En Lie, Mahmoud "Nalgas De Camello" Al Batraui, Rabbi Shlomo "Oy vey" Perelmuth, Giovanni "The Enforcer" Bucca DiCalamari, Paco O'Higgins-Martinez,Bubba Joe "Duh!" Smith, and last and of course least, Alberto Einstein-Ramirez BS, MS. PhD ASPCA, CIA, TGIF.

HASTA LA VISTA MUCHACHOS!

BUSH CHANGES HIS NAME

2005-07-09T10:00:00.000-05:00

PRESIDENT BUSH CHANGES HIS NAME

First Lady reported mad enough to spit.

Washington, DC. -- Dubya now officially Moe H. Bush

As reported by C.C. Nouel in Brownsville, Texas and Ludwig Van Volkswagen in Limbo, West Virginia. With additional reporting by Giovanni Lasagna in Rome and Hermoine Brilliantine in Liverpool

July 10, 2005

In spite of concerns by Paul Wolfowitz,Karl Rove and other presidential advisers, and over the objections of his own mother, President George W. Bush has made public the fact that he changed his name legally to Moe Howard Bush prior to the July 4th Holiday. " I loved the Three Stooges as a child, specially Moe, and besides it made my trip to Europe to attend the meeting of the G8 even more interesting" stated the President at an impromptu press conference. Members of the DC. press corps were left stunned after the announcement and many were seeing rushing to their lap top computers to transmit the shocking news to their respective news organizations.

A reporter for the National Blabber Newspaper, and a well known critic of now President Moe Howard Bush,who preferred to remain nameless, stated; "This president has proven to all of us that he really is a master politician, this is a brilliant move on his part, I am truly amazed and may even vote for him in 2008"

Within hours of his spectacular announcement President Moe Howard Bush is reported to have received numerous calls of congratulations from friends and foes alike. It is reported that Saddam Hussein, in a well guarded prison in Iraq, sent the President a congratulatory audio recording. According to reliable sources Saddam is supposed to have asked President Moe Howard Bush for forgiveness and begged for his palaces and power back, the same sources report that the President just had this to say: " Get out a heeere" and poked at the air with two fingers.

Former Presidential Democratic candidate Howard Dean and now the Chairman of the DNC reacted angrily at the news by accusing the President of stealing his name, " I should be the only Howard in politics, by changing his name to Moe Howard Bush the president is just trying to steal my thunder". Reporters caught up with Dean at the Ames (Iowa) Free Clinic where he was testing men for Prostate cancer, Dr. Dean was offering free Digital Rectal Exams( DRE's) to any Republican men over age 40 who wanted to be checked.

There are unsubstantiated reports that Vice-president Dick Chaney had considered changing his name to Groucho Marx but was hesitant because of the stigma attached to the name, "I am no Marxist, never have been one, never will be one" stated the VP. When asked about the possibilty of a name change in the future, he did say that the name "Curly Joe" did have a certain appeal.

NOW, THIS IS SOME WEIRD CRAP

2005-07-08T11:08:00.000-05:00

TOILET PAPER FOR BIG - ASS PEOPLE

UNCLE LUDWIG's WEIRD NEWS

The Weird editon...news for the rest of us.

Stardate 2854-46

Hungarian Historian wants to sue Vlad the Impaler for being a murderous, bloodsucking asshole.

Prof. Bela Gabor, director of the National History Museum in Budapest has reportedly hired a group of lawyers in New York City. It is reported that he wants to sue all the descendants of Vlad the Impaler, the bloodthirsty, 12th century Count from Transylvania. Professor Gabor will be asking for at least $1 Billion for reparations. He insists that generations of Hungarians have been subjected to abuse and ridicule as their country has come to be known as the "birthplace of Count Dracul" or Count Dracula, the human vampire. "We will not be ridiculed any longer" stated the professor, "that bloodsucking asshole will finally be held accountable for his misdeeds". The only known living descendant of Vlad, a taxi driver in Miskolo, a small city northwest of Budapest, has not been able to be contacted for a comment as he is rarely seen during the daytime. His last known address, an old castle in the Ural mountains is a crumbling old pile of rocks and mortar, apparently abandoned for many years. Villagers near the castle speak of strange "things" and of the disappearance of several village virgins every year at Hallow's eve.
(from Uncle Ludwig knows all, sees all Sept.19th, 1957)

MORE WEIRD LAWSUITS

Egyptian law scholar Nabel Hilmi told a weekly newspaper in Cairo in August that he and other Switzerland-based expatriates are preparing a lawsuit against "all the Jews in the world" for the "trillions of tons" of gold and jewelry that Jews swiped during their exodus from Egypt in the time of the Pharoahs. Also in August, a 14th-generation descendant of Montezuma asked the Mexican government to reinstate the long-dormant pensions the king of Spain agreed in 1550 to pay the descendants for the appropriation of Aztecs' land. [The Forward-Al-ahram Al-Arabi, 8-9-03] [BBC News, 8-22-03]

Weird and funny site of the week: www.joecartoon.com you'll love this one.

So who cares? (weird stuff no one really gives a caca about)

sent to us by Walter Pidgeon from Hollywood california.

BIG FREAKING BOID!

The ostrich standing 8 feet tall and weighing 300 pounds is easly the largest bird in the world. (sounds like my girl friend, Wanda)

Today's words of wisdom: "It is better to have lost a love that to haved loved a loser" Hmmm! sounds rather familiar, don't it?

As always, Prof. Ludwig Van Volkswagen welcomes your ideas, suggestions and used clothing. Send to: Uncle Ludwig C/O: The Bronx Zoo, The Bronx, N.Y.

Moochas Gracias to my crack research team ( or is it my research team on crack?): Aldo "Boom Boom" Grottesco; Bertha "Lips" O'Hoolahan; Fernando "Pancho Villa" Bush; Irving"Matzos Butt" Levin; Natalio"Rey"Colas; Juanita "La chichona" Martinez and last but not least; Mao Zeb Tongue, on loan from the People's Republic of China.

See you next week

Bush's No Student Left Behind a Big Flop in Florida

2005-07-07T12:09:00.000-05:00

1,000,000 Florida seniors fail achievement test

Will not graduate with classmates, despite protests.
by Mahatma Schiekelgrubber,Ludwig Van Wolksvagen and C.C. Nouel in Brownsville, Texas

Nearly 1,000,000 high school seniors in Florida will not graduate as scheduled this year because they failed a newly required state Rap and Hip-Hop achievement test (FCRAHHAT)as required by the "No Student Left Behind Law".

This is the first year that seniors have been required to pass the test, which measures "homie" lingo skills, before graduating. Those failing are usually pre-business students and members of the Young Republicans.

Some school boards around the state have voted to allow seniors who met all other graduation criteria to participate in commencement ceremonies, although they won't receive a diploma or be allowed to have black friends for a year.

Standing next to the Elian Gonzalez memorial fountain in the grounds of Brian de Palma High School in Key Puta Gorda, counsellor Nigel Piccolinni said he'd like to see the state implement a different FCRAHHAT scoring system, especially for students who are still learning to speak and behave like black people.

Indeed, South Florida's white community leaders and legislators plan a protest this week, denouncing the FCRAHHAT as unfair to white students, specially those of a Methodist or Presbyterian background. They want governor Jeb "El Jefe" Bush to declare an amnesty for students who failed this year's test and to re-examine the FCRAHHAT policies.

The Cuban community in Miami has joined the chorus of protest, demanding that the state of Florida institute a "Merengue and Mambo achievement test". Miami's Cuban community spokesperson, Carlos Miguel Del Fuente Martinez Gonzalez Perez Ramirez-O'Connor, has threatened a boycott of all of Florida's amusement and theme parks by Hispanics, Haitians and the state's growing population of Peruvian homosexuals. In addition the protesters are calling for boycotts of the Florida lottery, minority prostitutes, the state's toilet paper and rapidly expanding condom manufacturing industries, among others.

Bush administration officials have insisted that the results must stand and the governor has criticized the protesters as being nothing but a bunch of "Spanish speaking queers", noting that average scores have risen since the test was introduced in 1998 and that special education students have made some of the biggest gains.

"This is a time to celebrate, not a time to boycott," Bush bantered last week in the style of Eminem. "Rap and Hip-Hop are some of the greatest cultural contributions America has made to the world since the days of Acid Rock, Mad magazine and foot odor powder."

"It's easy to be upset over generalities... [But] the schools are not failing the kids," Governor Bush asserted. "I'm just not sure we're being treated fairly with the grading system. Before we know it more African Americans will be graduating than patriotic, young, white all-American kids."

Seniors have had at least 500 opportunities to take the FCRAHHAT — once as sophomores, twice more as juniors and four hundred and ninety seven more times as seniors. Those still seeking their diplomas after graduation day can continue taking the test indefinitely, but must pass it before they are eligible for social security or turn 70, whichever comes first.

YOUR THOISDAY JOKE

2005-07-07T08:44:00.000-05:00

DANGEROUS CHURCH SERVICES

One Sunday morning, Father O'Hoolahan noticed little Johnny was standing and
staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up and stood beside him. Gazing up at the plaque, too, he
said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning father" replied the young man, not taking his eyes off
the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, this is a memorial plaque for all the people who have died in the service," replied the priest. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,
"Which one father, the 8:30,10:00,or 11:30 service?"

LET'S TAKE A PEEK AT THIS

2005-07-06T19:29:00.000-05:00

YOUR MORNING "STUFF" FROM YOUR TIO LUDWIG

UNCLE LUDWIG TAKES A PEEK AT YOUR FUZZIE QUEERIES

Humour for the rest of us.

GUt Morgen ya'll, buenos dias, buon giorno, bon jour. This week we are answering more of the moronic questions that have been submitted by our demented readers. As always Uncle Ludwig (Tio Ludwig for all you Hispanics out there) has applied his gigantic intellect to come up with answers that are both brilliant and funny.

The first question was sent in by Rev. Bubbba Joe Martinez, pastor of The First Church of the Magnificent, Enlightened, All Seeing Prophets, in Peach Fuzz Georgia:

Q: Why don't Baptists have sex standing up?
A: The answer is obvious Rev. Because it might lead to dancing.

This one comes from Lullah Mae Wong, a waitress from San Francisco California:

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: Shit Lullah Mae! everyone knows that one: A bingo machine.

Bernice J. Marmaduke from Doorknob Indiana asks:

Q: What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his legs while you vacuum. At least that's how I help the little woman (I am married to a 3 ft midget you know)

This intriguing queerie came to us from a Frosto Zrkstynky, from Krakked Poland:

Q: What are two reasons why Rush Limbaugh don't mind his own business?
1. No mind
2. No business

Joseph Miller, an attorney from Dallas Texas, asked us this silly question:

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline! Hear that Joe?!! You better buy an umbrella.

G W B, from "The White House" in Washington DC. wants to know:

Q: How can you tell if your wifes cooking is really lousy?
A: George, your name is George isn't it?, You can tell her cooking is really lousy when Pygmies from the Amazon come to dip their arrows in it.

Julie Plunger DeTualet, from La Merde France send in this winner:

Q: Uncle Ludwig, mon cherie, what do you get if you cross a cow with a massochist?
A: Cream that whips itself! you dumb French putain!

We had innumerable other stupid questions but I became rather nauseous answering the above, so I'll save the rest for another time, most probably sometime in the 22nd century.

SUNDAY JOKES TO MAKE YOUR DAY.

Two British drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."
The second drunk says,"I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"

and finally (aren't you glad?)

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, a Mexican, an Italian, a Priest, a Rabbi, and a Nun walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? Some kind of Joke?"

As always, Uncle Ludwig welcomes your stupid and moronic questions. So go ahead make my day, send me your queeries (and I don't mean small homosexuals).

For a FOON tyme go to: www.therockalltimes.co.uk

Want a quick laugh?

2005-07-06T15:58:00.000-05:00

Wanna a quick laugh?

This week's internet funny sites:

Go to www.emotioneric.com or www.therockalltimes.co.uk (Courtesy of your Uncle Ludwig, aka. Ludwig Van Volkswagen.)

www.emotioneric is a hoot and good for sophomoric, goofy and intellectually immature people, I guess most of you will immediately go take a peek at that site.....pass it on to your friends (if you have any), and family (if they still acknowledge your existence)

www.therockalltimes.co.uk is a bit more mature and sophisticated (in a bizarre kind of way) if you like lampooning idiotic politicians, big mouth tele-evangelists, political ideologues and other assorted assholes and intellectually fixated morons....you will love this site (that is unless you are an idiotic politician, big mouth tele-evangelist,political ideologue, or one of a variety of assorted assholes and/or intellectually fixated morons)

and feel free to forward this e mail on to your Senator and Congressman...or anyone else you want to insult.

Next week's issue of "Wanna quick Laugh"? : We will announce the first recipient of the "Dick Chaney Memorial Award" for the Rich Republican that received the biggest tax break in History. In addition we will be running the "Find a Democratic Presidential Candidate Contender for 2008 with an Original Idea" contest, and for those of you that are gastronomicaly challenged we will have a collection of favorite recipes by the late Idi Amin....plus: Obscene letters to the editor; Photos of my toes; Advice on how to dress if you are going to a Gay wedding; Exercise for anorexics, and Uncle Ludwig' weekly travelers advisory: "How to get laid in Mississippi on $5.00 a day or less".

PICTURE OF THE WEEK

2005-07-06T15:47:00.000-05:00

This week's phunny photo

One coffin, hold the onions

MORE ADVICE FROM YOUR UNCLE LUDWIG

2005-07-04T19:49:00.000-05:00

UNCLE LUDWIG'S ADVICE FOR THE MENTALLY CHALLENGED. IT'S A GAS!. Hmmm, let me see.

Sunday December 7th 2041 ( you go by your calendar, I'll go by mine)

From Debakle Iowa we received this pitiful missive:

Dear Uncle Ludwig:

It's raining cats and dogs here, I am petrified, what should I do?

Bernice Cornfield

My answer: Bernice you debauched strumpet ( I do read Shakespeare you know); Raining cats and dogs? Call your local Animal control Officer and have him remove all them critters before you have a mess of dead mammals in your front lawn...they will get to stinking before you know it and the usual sailors that come by for quickie will skidaddle faster than a Republican at a NAACP convention.

PS. Petrified you say? try fabric softener, drink a quart, stand on your head for thirty minutes, that should losen you up.

Mr. Giuseppe Bombolino from Brooklyn asks:

Uncle Ludwig:

I hava a tried mosta everything in da world, ma per Dio madre mia!, I cannot seema to be able to getta a rida of my hemorrhoids...va fangulo!! Per pieta whatta can I do?

Giuseppe.

My reply: Giuseppe, first go to a speech therapist you stupid idiot! then go to anywhere they sell dry ice and stick a piece up your butt...I bet you never complain about your stupid hemorrhoids ever again. And stop eating Pepperoni, it aggravates the problem, if you know what I mean.

Finally (thank God)

Boris and Ivanna Petrovsky of Nacogdoches Texas ask:

Comrade Ludwig:

We own a 1972 Volkswagen Bus, it runs great but only in reverse. We don't have the money for a new transmission, got any ideas?

Boris and Ivanna.

Hello Boris and Ivanna you dirty, pinko commies:

The answer is simple you Stalinist dim wits, turn one the freaking seats backwards and "happy motoring"...one of you steers, the other gives instructions when to turn, stop, pray and prepare for death. (make sure you update your life insurance though) and your odometer goes backwards too!

Best wishes for a happy after life

PS. Have you tried roller skating?

Do you have a question that has stumped you? A life threatening concern? Want to know all, see all, and go to paradise after you die? Well don't write me , I have no clue!

But if you have a stupid and simple concern, let's have it, I will illuminate your existence and dazzle you with my intellect and wisdom.

Send your queries to: Uncle Ludwig's amazing answers C/O cnouel@sbcglobal.net If you are a very good looking woman you may attach a full frontal nude picture of yourself and I'll try to guess how many hairs you have ... well, you know where.

Illusion

2005-07-04T15:59:00.000-05:00

Do you see a face or lovely ladies?
If you are drunk or stoned, come back later!

IT'S SHOWBIZZZ ...THE LATEST REALITY TV SHOWS

2005-07-03T10:21:00.000-05:00

Uncle Ludwig's: It's Showbizzz!! from Uncle Ludwig comes the following news about more reality shows that are being developed.

The Cartoon Network is planning their first reality show; Israeli Ducks That Drink MOGEN DAVID. This cartoon series deals with the sad story of a bunch of Jewish Wino Mallards that drink too much wine and never learn to swim in a straight line. It promises to be a big hit with the post Bar-Miztvah 13 and over crowd. Cartoonist Shlomo O'Brien with writer Irving Lefkowitz have developed this cartoon series about wayward Israeli quackers, their struggles to go "straight" and the kind hearted game warden (with Robin Williams as the voice of the game warden) that shoots all of them with his UZI assault weapon and has a great feast at his daughter's wedding (to a doctor no less)...A real morality play, we hear..

The Arts and Entertainment Network (A&E to most of us) has a promising new reality project in development, it's called: Fat Ballet Dancers. Documentary film maker Heinrich Garbitch, from Bavaria, follows two severely obese Ballet dancers as they attempt to get their dancing tights over their big asses in 15 minutes or less, it's hilarious, simply hilarious.Previews have critics saying things like; "Garbitch, nothing but pure Garbitch" (from The L.A. Times) and "I know Garbitch when I see it and this nothing but Garbitch" ( from The New York Times) Show is tentatively scheduled for next fall.

The Sci-Fi Network announced a new Reality Startrek spin-off last week: Queer Klignon eye for Vulcan Straight Guys. An obvious ripoff of "Queer Eye for a Straight Guy", this show's premise has a group of gay Klignon warriors teaching a bunch of straight, boring and hyper-logical Vulcans, how to dance the Tango in low gravity, as well as learning how to giggle uncontrolably at their humorless Klignon Warrior war jokes. Promises to be a "howler" according to sources who have viewed bits and pieces of the upcoming series. We also have it on good authority that Patrick Stewart will reprise his role as Jean Luc Piccard but with a twist, he will play a bi-sexual Piccard who falls in love with Data and has sex with with a Hologram of Paris Hilton.

NEXT WEEK: We review the latest Cooking Show; "Gourmet Spam Masterpieces", Special guest Chief Ignacio of the Brazilian YANOMAMO tribe.

UNCLE LUDWIG ...brought to you by:

2005-07-02T19:14:00.000-05:00

OUR SPONSORS

Ask UNCLE LUDWIG..he knows all, sees all.

2005-07-02T19:04:00.000-05:00

UNCLE LUDWIG KNOWS ALL, SEES ALL

September 19th 1957

Questions of the weak or is it week?

Josephine Wallbanger from Neeples Florida asked:

Q. Uncle Ludwig, what's the difference between ignorance and indifference?

A.Josephine, you dumb marshmellow brain idiot; I don't know and I don't care! get it?

Claude Dela Bazoora who hails from Pussy Willow Wisconsin wants to know:

Q. Uncle Ludwig how do you cook a duck?

A. Claude you foot odor breath freak, kill it first, please. All that loud quacking inside the oven could mess up your thermostat. Taking the feathers off would also be a good idea, the smell!, the smell!

Balthazar Gorgonzola, a greeter at a Walmart in Pinprick New Jersey sent in this interesting querie;

Q. Uncle Ludwig, I can't seem to find a condom big enough for me, tell me please what to do.

A. Ok John Holmes! are you complaining or bragging? Have you tried looking in a party supply store, they have some balloons there as big as the Goodyear blimp...and by the way, my secretary, Wanda LeBang, wants to meet you, is tonight ok?

Ramon "el Paton" Martinez Perez Gonzalez Hernandez Del Monte Peralez from Tlalalchalpopotepetl, a small village somewhere in Mexico asked me the following:

Q.Unkel Ludweeg, ees et okeh too poot cheeles een jur hanboorgers?

A. Ramon, I have no freaking idea what are you asking? Let me take some Spanish lessons and then you can ask me in Spanish. Give me at least three months to get back to you. In the meanwhile why don't you go eat a Jalapeno burger at McDonalds.

And Finally:

Tanya Mamalovna, a weight lifter from Moscow wants to know the following:

Q. Ludwig, Are Steroids safe?

A. Only if your life expectancy goes through next March, otherwise you will look like the Incredible Hulk with a glandular malfunction.

Uncle Ludwig sees all, knows all...In fact I see one of you is wearing underwear with holes in it...but never mind that.

If you have questions about the mysteries of life, the future, the past, today, tomorrow, next week; go ahead, make my day and ask away or as we say in South Texas; ask a buey!

Uncle Ludwig c/o Toe Cheese Enterprizes Inc. Teabag New Jersey.

PICTURE OF THE WEEK

2005-07-02T18:49:00.000-05:00

Here is our picture for this week.

If you have any silly, funny or otherwise irreverent photos send them to me, Uncle Ludwig c/o cnouel@sbcglobal.net

Fat Man's Suicide Attempt Fails.

2005-07-02T15:57:00.000-05:00

Bulletin

Paco E. Dermn, one of the worlds fattest people, failed in his suicide attempt. Mr. Demn, despondent because of a recent divorce, attempted to kill himself by jumping from the sidewalk to the street, a distance of about six inches. Due to his enormous weight, calculated at 1457 lbs. he basically pancaked his ass on the street and was unable to move for several hours. It was necessary for authorities to bring in a crane from a nearby construction site to pick Mr. Dermn up and set him on the stoop in front of his uptown Manhattan apartment.

When asked how he was getting up to his first floor flat, Mr. Dermn stated " I have no freaking idea but I hope I can borrow that crane again as I am getting hungry and kind of have a hankering for a little snack"

As reported by Zelda Krump and Toto DeNutt of the dis-associated press.

Demonstrators Demand War

2005-07-02T15:41:00.000-05:00

Rwanda threatens armed occupation of Congo
Peaceniks gather in Acapulco for taco-fuelled protest
by Elmer J Fudd and C C Nouel Jr. in Brownsville, Texas

Rwanda demonstrators demanded that their government send troops back to the Congo unless the Ugandan army takes back their assertion that Rwandans "smell funny" and unless the Congolese government fails to return its forces to positions established in a 1998 cease-fire agreement, foreign relations minister, Elvis "twinkle toes" Ngomo III, has confirmed.

"They either go back to standing on their heads or it's war. They agreed to those positions in 98 and they must stand by that agreement or suffer the consequences."

The Ugandan and Congolese governments — working with former Rwandan soldiers, Interahamwe Hutu militias and the Congolese Boys Choir, who fled to Congo after carrying out the 1994 genocide in Rwanda — are deploying troops and porta-johns near areas in eastern Congo that are held by Congolese rebels backed by Rwanda, Foreign Minister Charley "El Bimbo" Muligande said on Friday.

"This poses an immediate and direct threat to Rwanda's security," Muligande told reporters after briefing two diplomats from Bulgaria an observer from Paraguay and his friend, Rodney, on the situation in eastern Congo.

Ugandan government officials and army officers are working with the Rwandan rebels based in Congo to destabilize Rwanda's profitable bubble gum industry, said Lt. Col. Emmanuel "Bubbles" Ndahiro, national security adviser and manicurist to President Paul "El Loco" Kagame. "We will not allow those pigs from Uganda to destroy what we have worked so hard to achieve," he fumed. When asked to give his assessment of the situation he curtly stated: "This could become very sticky."

Uganda has beefed up its force in Congo to 3,000 men, 350 hermaphrodites, 300 chimpanzees, and 50 or so hookers from Kigali to maintain morale. They are backed by two pieces of heavy artillery, four armored personnel carriers, two Volkswagen buses, a 1956 jeep and three chopped Harley hogs.

Just two day ago this fearsome force ejected a small Congolese circus troup from several key north-eastern Congolese towns. "Those guys are a bunch of clowns," snorted Ndahiro at a hastily-arranged press conference. "They are threatening to turn a bonafide war into a joke."

On Thursday, the commander of Ugandan troops in the north-eastern Congolese town of Bunion acknowledged that he had more than 2,000 troops in the area (but only 34 rifles, an old bazooka and 100 sling shots). He claimed that an unspecified "chicken shit country" — widely assumed to be Rwanda — was backing Ugandan dissidents, armed with baseball bats, poised to attack Uganda from north-eastern Congo.

The same day, Ugandan deputy defense minister Ruth "Knockers" Nankabirwa said troops would remain in the Bunion area as long Uganda's security was under threat and until her hot flushes went away.

At the same time, the Congolese government is in violation of terms of the 1998 ceasefire by deploying bureaucrats and hot-dog vendors in territories controlled by another Ugandan-backed rebel group that has forged an alliance with Congolese President, Joseph "Big Butt" Kabila, Muligande said.

In the Congolese capital, Kinshasa, Patricia Tomey, a distant cousin of Marissa Tomey of Hollywood fame and a spokeswoman for the U.N. mission monitoring the 1998 cease-fire in Congo, said observers in eastern Congo had not observed movements of either Congolese or Ugandan government forces or the Interahamwe toward positions held by Rwandan-backed rebels.

When asked why the so called "observers" all wore dark eye glasses and walked with the aid of white canes, Ms Tomey said: "No comment." She did however add: "We haven't seen them, but that doesn't mean they are not there."

Ugandan defense minister Amama "Yomama" Mbamboo Jr. dismissed Rwanda's accusations, saying his country's forces were "nowhere near" positions held by Rwandan-backed Congolese rebels. "In fact," he stated, "they are in Acapulco to attend a peace conference sponsored by the French peace organization 'Pour la Paix'.

"We feel really offended for anyone to suggest that we are dealing with the Interahamwe," he said. "We are dismissing these accusations with maximum contempt, and I will personally slap the next silly goose that makes that assertion." It was not immediately possible to obtain comment from Congolese government officials, as they were out in the bush trying to locate the 50 hookers from Kigali.

Rwandan and Ugandan troops clashed three times between 1999-2002 in eastern Congo where they were sent to back Congolese rebels seeking to oust then-president Laurent "His Magnificence" Kabila. At least three soldiers were slightly injured by sling shot missiles and about 600 went home to their mommies with tummy aches.

Meanwhile in Paris, Jean Vincent L'Poupou, leader of the "Gallic pour le Paix" organization has called on all opponents of war to gather in Acapulco, Mexico, a week from Saturday at "El Pendejo Verde" night club to show the world that Happy Hour is "trés magnifique" and "so much better than war".

L'Poupou, a well known pacifist, pedicurist and insurance salesman from Verville, in southern France, further stated: "Bush will have to face the consequences of starting this war in Africa and bringing untold misery to all the peace-loving leaders of the region."

When inconveniently informed that the American president had nothing to do with this conflict, Monsieur L'Poupou angrily shouted "Down with imperialist, colonial, fascist, capitalist, war mongers," then proceeded to light a Marlboro cigarette and finish drinking his diet Pepsi before being promptly whisked away in a Corvette to the Paris Hilton, where he has been living for the past six months after becoming the titular head and the treasurer of the Pour la Paix movement in France.

Philosophical thought

2005-07-02T15:30:00.000-05:00

UNCLE LUDWIG HAS A SERIOUS SIDE

Someone once said :

"If I could live my life all over again, if I could only undo the things that need undoing, if I could love as I should have and if I could have known all that is worth knowing I would not be here telling you of things that weigh on my soul...I would have long ago ceased to reach for myself"

(Uncle Ludwig said that)

I thought I'd share with you some of the wisdom and beauty of Kahlil Gibran, the Persian poet and philosopher.

From his masterpiece;

THE PROPHET

SPEAK TO US OF LOVE

"Love gives naught but itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
for love is sufficient unto love"

"WHEN YOU LOVE YOU SHOULD NOT SAY, "GOD IS IN MY HEART," BUT RATHER, "I AM IN THE HEART OF GOD"

"LOVE HAS NO OTHER DESIRE BUT TO FULFIL ITSELF."

And what of Marriage

"Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music"

Speak to us of children

"Your children are not your children,
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you"

"You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of to-morrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams"

"You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you"

About work

"Always you have been told that work is a curse and labour a misfortune.
But I say to you that when you work you fulfil a part of earth's furthest dream,assigned to you when that dream was born"

"Work is Love made visible"

"For if you bake bread with indifference, you bake a bitter bread that feeds but half man's hunger"

DEATH

"For what is to die but to stand naked in the wind and melt into the sun?
And what is to cease breathing but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

The prophet was first published in 1923. "It is a heartfelt _expression of a man's deepest spiritual desires...its potent message of self understanding and spiritual growth has proved itself to be universally inspiring" The book is available at any bookstore or library, it is published by Senate Press.

Buy it, borrow it, read it!

UNCLE LUDWIG BIDS YOU ADIEU Have a wonderful holiday weekend and remember that "Work is Love made visible"

Comments: Write Uncle Ludwig c/o The Platonic and Aristotelian Society at the following e-mail address: cnouel@sbcglobal.net

Outsourcing or Spam

2005-07-02T12:18:00.000-05:00

Bush adviser backs pro-outsourcing comments.
By C.C. Nouel in Brownsville, Texas and Ludwig Van Wolkswagen and Leroy Nutt in Cognito California

Geoffrey Waggabond-Knallgaz, Bush economic adviser stated that the administration had a "very creative plan" that would "once and for all solve both our immigration mess and the loss of jobs to overseas contractors" The plan as explained by Mr. Waggabond-Knallgaz would allow only illegal immigrants to be "outsourced" to third world countries. In an interview with CBS correspondent Ima Martinez-Chong, the president stated;"We feel that this is a compassionate thing to do, not only do they get low paying, menial jobs, but they go back to live in conditions they have known all their lives, in short they go back home".

After receiving the news of the outsourcing plan,the Indian ambassador to the UN, Mahatma Sing Ahlong called an emergency meeting of the Security council. Decrying what he called;"President Bush's attempt to send the hordes of Mexicans and other foreigners to our country" he stated that "We will not allow this by gollie, these people will do nothing but apply for welfare and take jobs from our citizens, and since many Mexicans actually look like Hindus, we will have a difficult time keeping up with them, besides we do not like to eat enchiladas or tacos in my country" He later told a group of reporters that Pakistan was "much better place for undocumented aliens to be outsourced to as those Pakistani Devils already have a large number of Afghani illegal aliens living there"

President Fox of Mexico, at his summer home in Colimas, issued a curt and short communique; " A ese pendejo de Bush!,we will continue to work for justice and equality in our country, I will give this matter serious consideration" Mr. Fox is scheduled to leave Mexico next week on a well earned vacation, he will be relaxing on the Riviera for a month. On a related note, The economic watchdog agency in Mexico; La Sociedad de Trabajadores Xochitelcopotepetl announced the the unemployment rate in Mexico has been dropping steadily for the last 10 years as more and more desperate people move to "El Norte", to the land that many Mexicans call "the land of my ancestors", since most of them have parents that lived and worked and some that were actually born in the USA, back in the 40's and 50's.

In an unrelated note, Attorney General Gonzalez has stated in an article in "Mad Magazine" that Hilton Hotels will be building a resort just outside the prison camp where all the suspected Al-Quaeda terrorists are held in Guantanamo Cuba. "People are just curious as hell to see where we are holding all those *&%$! terrorists, we might as well have tours of the area and make some money to help reduce the national deficit while we are at it, besides the weather there is just gorgeous"

And finally, The makers of Spam have offered to "take in" as many undocumented aliens as the Dept. Of Homeland Security can provide for a special project. The company would offer no other details and referred all queeries to their spokesperson; a former tribal chief of the Yanomamo indians of Brazil.

Toilet free workplace, the wave of the future.

2005-07-02T10:41:00.000-05:00

Texas Introduces Toilet Free Workplace Legislation
By C. C. Nouel in Brownsville Texas and Ludwig Van Volkswagen somewhere in North Cumberland (where ever the hell that is)

Austin, Texas July 4th 2005 — Texas became the latest state to introduce toiletfree workplace legislation today, joining Rhode Island, Arizona, Mississippi, Maryland, Georgia, Idaho, Washington and American Samoa with legislation introduced this year. California, Delaware, New York, Connecticut, Maine, and Massachusetts have already passed toiletfree workplace legislation.

Texas State Representative Bubba Joe Watz, made his point by holding up a bag containing a feces blackened human lung.

"Individuals who choose to go take a crap choose to do so at their risk, but they have no right to place my health at risk. They can choose to defecate but they shouldn't force me to breathe in their fecal matter along with them or my children to smell the stink along with them," said Bubba.

Watz says his bill would eliminate defecating in all public buildings. It would also eliminate defecating in taxicabs, airplanes,churches, hospitals, daycare centers and many other places. Certain outdoor areas such as, hotel room balconies public parks and swimming pools could be exempt from legislation said Watz

Chainsaw Memorial High School student Eithar Orr says she'd like to see poop-free restaurants. Orr says she has asthma, and has been forced to leave several establishments, including her high school football banquet, because the room was filled with the smell of shit.

"When we were getting together and having a good time on how the season went and everything, all of a sudden Billy Bob LeGass ( a star running back) goes to the toilet and Alas! I had to leave early because it was so stinky and I couldn't stay there anymore. It sucks when you have to do that," Orr said nearly in tears.

A spokesman for Texas Gov. Dick Berry says the governor is undecided on the issue, but is concerned about secondhand fecal matter ingestion in public places. " This is a crappy issue no doubt, I will give it due consideration but I also have to consider what this will do to our toilet manufacturers and toilet paper industry"

Republican House Speaker Waldo Primm says it's unlikely that the Republican-controlled House will spend much time debating the measure. Primm says he doesn't want to place any additional regulations on Texas businesses. He says patrons who don't like to smell shit can choose not to go. "Like all good shit-lovers, representative Primmm ignores the workers" stated an irate Pancho Villa, Democrat from Brownsville, "those damn Republicans are already so full of shit that they don't have to worry about the health consequences of breathing second-hand caca, pinches gringos!".

"Those still are private pieces of property( the wc's) The government doesn't own those in bars or restaurants, at least I don't think we do. And in a free society, maybe this is a touch too philosophical, but in a free society, people still have and deserve and need the right to make decisions just where to squat to shit," Primm said.

Of course, Texas places thousands of requirements on businesses to protect workers and patrons. For example, Texas doesn't allow uranium,arcenic,sarin, mustard gas or any other weapon of mass destruction in the air. Texas requires meat to be cooked outdoors in the family Barbeque pit to prevent diarrhea and other nasty surprizes and milk products to be refrigerated and to be lactose free too avoid unnecessary flatulence. By law businesses can't have rodents, vultures, arachnids, gorillas or illegal immigrants in the kitchen or place tables and chairs in front of fire exits(however human beings are exempt from this legislation).

"Only when the Toilet Paper and Air Freshener industries are involved does government claim it can't protect workers and patrons, screamed Howard Dean, former presidential candidate, who is vacationing in Phluggerville, just north of Austin, it's all those Washington insiders that are forcing us to ingest all that shit".

Consumer advocate Ralph Nader told this reporter;"As we say in Texas,The shit is going to hit the fan soon", stay tuned, we expect that the mud (or should we say shit) slinging will intensify as the proposed measure moves through the "bowels" of the legislative process.

Note: Famed inventor, Ludwig Van Volkswagen has developed a new mobile toilet affectionatelly known as the "Poop-a-cycle". It will availabe at all Texas workplaces as soon as the device receives FDA approval.

You call this "News"?

2005-07-01T20:06:00.000-05:00

PRESIDENT BUSH CALLS FOR THE RE-NAMING OF SELECTED AMERICAN CITIES

Washington DC --- At a noon meeting with selected Republican legislators in the Oval office, the President called for legislation to have Reno Nevada change it's name to Ashcroft Nevada and Liberal Kansa to Conservative Kansas, "America is changing and it needs to change it's identity as it changes, or something like that" . After the 30 minute meeting and fund raising event the President left for yet another well deserved vacation, this time to The Republic of Togo where he will spend 21 days "just hanging out with the natives"

AND;

Leftist activists from New York, San Francisco, and Austin Texas demonstrate outside the White House

They were demanding "More" from the government and stated in an impromptu press conference that they would not settle for "LESS", "we deserve More" stated an irate Juan Lumumba Lewensky of the Green and Blue, World Justice, Cetacean Party "and all we have been getting from Dubya is Less", Mr Lewensky then stomped out of the conference and spat on the first white guy wearing coat and tie that he ran into, finally he proceeded to throw himself onto the White House grounds ranting and raving and yelling; " Down with Capitalists Pigs and those bastard SUV's". The DC PD SWAT team was called in and they quickly removed the distraught demonstrator from the scene in an unmarked 1968 Ford Fairlane (from Uncle Ludwig Says, July 1st 2005)

Where in the H. E. double hockey sticks is Bin Laden ?

2005-07-01T19:49:00.000-05:00

President Bush need look no longer, we found him

USAMA GONE HOME TO HIS MAMA

Somewhere in the Mountains of Afghanistan.

Usama Bin Laden has been summarily fired from his post as the "world's most wanted terrorist", the reason: not stopping the American defeat of the "glorious Iraqi army" and for not being able to surpass his 9/11 record of civilians killed. The Saudi Arabia native is reported to have gone to see his mother in Riyadh. His spokes- person, Mahmoud Al Whaddi, told Uncle Ludwig press that "Usama just needs a long rest and his mother's cooking and he'll be as good as new in six months or even less, he'll be ready to terrorize the western infidels before you can even raise your alert level from Yellow to Orange, and he looks to regain his job as top murderer of the innocent as soon as he unwinds and relaxes from the stresses of terrorism" .

Topical Fun

2005-07-01T19:14:00.000-05:00

Uncle Ludwig's Topics of interest

As researched by UNCLE LUWIG:

Do Albanian plumbers have small penises

Pigmies have big egos, study shows

Why most men named Henry have loud, fat, overbearing wives

More Salvadorans have flat feet per capita than the rest of the world

Dancing Polish Polkas good for your sinuses

Eating jalapenos seems to cure Tourette's syndrome in overweight Republicans

Man from New Jersey is actually courteous to neighbors

Peewee Herman look alike to run for Senate in Texas as a Democrat

Lawyer sues self and loses

Hip Hop named official music of The Peoples Republic of North Korea

Huge cracks appear in downtown Omaha, Rush Limbaugh blames Hilary Clinton

Cereal Killer confeses to stabbing 347 boxes of Cheerio's at Dallas Wal Mart

Navel Lint, purported to have been collected from Michael Jackson's belly button, sells on E Bay for $8.97

Aliens sighted in Los Angeles, have been among us since the 1800's

Man's buttocks transplant fails, doctor explains that surgery did not sit well with patient

UNCLE LUDWIG SAYS HELLO!

2005-06-30T20:31:00.000-05:00

HELLO!

My "nom de plume" is Uncle Ludwig, I thrive on the bizarre and real aspects of the world we live in. I make fun of the pompous assess that pretend to lead us, of nitwits with overblown egos, and of those who take themslevs too serious.I ridicule the ridiculous and satyrize whatever needs satyrizing.

Be on the lookout for essays and rants (some of which have appeared on European web sites.)

I'll be back soon.